In Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety, Judith Warner paints a picture of today's generation of mothers trying to survive in this country's culture of parenthood, which she claims is enough to drive any woman to the brink of insanity. Warner spent her first few years of motherhood in France, where laws, norms and expectations dictate emotional and financial support for new mothers, along with easy access to affordable and excellent childcare and part-time working opportunities. When she moved back to the United States, she was taken aback at how difficult life was as a mother of young children. She quickly learned that most mothers, whether they were stay-at-home moms or working part- or full-time, are simply unable to avoid what she deems "the mess," which is the tangled web of trying to raise children who will grow up to be happy, bright, successful and talented but not knowing how or when to stop pushing for perfection. She asserts that parents in this country have gone totally overboard trying to provide their children with everything and keep up with the Jones', and that mothers especially have lost themselves in the process. She writes that the age of anxiety in which we live shapes how we parent, what choices we make and the way in which we try to control everything (she deems us a generation of control freaks) and that we are letting this anxiety drive us crazy.

Warner has found the general culture of motherhood in America to be oppressive for a variety of reasons: the pressure for mothers to attain total perfection (when it comes to their homes, their appearance, their children's performance and their ability to create a perfect existence for their kids - birthday parties, play dates, private schools, activities, etc.); the inherent manner in which motherhood thrusts women into more traditional roles in their marriages, making them subordinate to their breadwinning husbands (because someone has to give up some or all of his or her career aspirations in order to raise the kids, and it is very rarely the husband); the lack of resources available to women who want to return to work, even on a part-time basis (decent childcare is expensive and hard to find); the lack of laws supporting working women who have children (maternity leave, sick/vacation days, on-site daycare, etc.); and the media-spun idea that working mothers and stay-at-home moms are at odds and must necessarily adhere to one parenting philosophy over another (if you work, you're a selfish, bad mother for abandoning your kids and if you stay at home, you're `just' a housewife who gets no respect or acknowledgment).

This last point lies at the heart of one of Warner's main goals in writing this book: to dispel the notion that the Mommy Wars exist and that mothers who work and those who don't do not have separate values, different `callings' or opposing lifestyles. She found that race, geographic location and self-identification (working or stay-at-home) made no real difference in the attitudes and mothering styles of the women she interviewed. What did matter, however, was how much they bought into the competitiveness that exists in today's parenting culture...the more they tried to compete and keep up by throwing the best birthday parties, owning the most art supplies, signing up for the most activities and hiring the best tutors and private coaches, the more they tended to suffer as mothers. Warner found that women who were able to step out of the parenting pressure cooker had greater peace of mind and were generally happier and more content with their personal and family lives.

However, she did discover that women as mothers are in a challenging situation in terms of the choices they make about working outside the home. First of all, she points out that one has to use the words "choose" and "choices" very carefully, because even though women have more opportunities today than ever before, only upper-middle class women really get to choose whether or not they stay home with the kids. Economics tend to dictate middle- and lower-class women's work path more than preference: either they have to work because their husbands don't make enough money to support the family (or they don't have a husband at all) or they have to stay home because they wouldn't earn enough to pay for decent childcare. Secondly, American culture makes it very difficult to be a happy, fulfilled, somewhat relaxed mother, no matter what path a woman takes. Warner asserts that stay-at-home moms are often socially isolated, wrapped up in their kids' lives to the point that they have no lives of their own, and are left with a feeling of low self-worth because of their financial dependence on their husbands and the low status that our society accords them. On the other hand, working mothers are not only frequently demonized by the media (and, Warner claims, the Religious Right and the Family Values crew) for being too self-absorbed and not caring enough about their children to quit their jobs, but they are also run ragged to the point of exhaustion. Because of the substandard childcare situation in this country, they must either spend a good chunk of their take-home pay on daycare, or worry constantly that their kids are not in good hands. Working mothers with big career ambitions usually have to accept the fact that they must follow the Mommy Track if they want to share in any part of their children's lives (or even if they want to make sure their kids get to the dentist twice a year). In addition, they have to face the second shift at home because even in these enlightened times, women still carry twice the burden of their husbands when it comes to household chores and nighttime rituals with the kids such as homework, baths, bedtime, etc.

Warner claims that it is unnatural for women to have to choose one track over the other - 24/7 mothering or more than full-time work - but that we don't live in a country whose culture recognizes the importance of balance and the need for financial and emotional help for parents. It is very difficult for women to find part-time work that pays enough to cover decent childcare (with at least a little left over) and that provides some stimulation and fulfillment. She maintains that if we had laws dictating parental leave, flex-time and decent, affordable childcare, women really would have more choices and would be able to mother in a more relaxed, natural and contented manner. In this book, she calls for a Politics of Quality of Life, in which it is actually possible to have a family, provide for that family and live a life that is not plagued with guilt, anguish and anxiety. Childcare laws are the key to her vision of a new America because doors would fly open in front of women if they didn't have to worry about who was taking care of their kids. But she also calls for a basic change in our societal structures and views that would give women more room to wiggle and pursue some of their goals and dreams without being called selfish. How do we do this? She doesn't exactly know...but she believes that it can happen.

My mother gave this book to my wife as a Christmas present. I'm still confused by the choice, as my wife is a senior manager at a corporation--not a frustrated stay at home mom. But being the curious type, I picked it up and read most of the book.

What I found particularly grating about Warner's book is the chapter on husbands. Apparently, Warner and her friends have "wonderful" husbands who love their wives and kids, but don't really do much to help out around the house. I beg to differ with this assessment.

I have a full time job/career and take full responsibility for childcare and domestic chores, such as cleaning,cooking, etc. Most of my male friends are in the same position and also contribute their fair share or more around the house, whether their wives work or not. We are not our father's generation, which was happy to mow the lawn and play golf on Saturday. Weekends are spent playing with kids, doing the shopping, and attending to chores.

It's too bad that Warner and her friends have such unsupportive husbands. Maybe they should have thought about what kind of support they would get before they married these country club gents.

Overall, the book comes off as a "woe is me" account. I wonder how Warner would feel if she faced serious economic hardships like most of the lower middle or lower class moms out there in the US. One would think they would find her exasperated tone a bit grating as they shuttle off to their second job to make ends meet.

Nicely written, very readable. Great book to discuss with friends over dinner parties, it can spark lively conversations! I had the following problems with her arguments, especially when she was comparing Europe/France and US:

- American women feel let down by their education. True. European women grow up knowing that you can't have your cake and eat it too (unless you are born into a really big cake...). I was being born and raised in the Old Continent, but ended up living in the US. No woman is such a fool there, to think we can ever be really equal to men (or that we would even want to), but we do the best we can under the circumstances. Hey, women have headed states in Europe, not in this country yet.

- All equality-related discourse in the US revolves around how many women can make it to the corporate top, rather than making sure all women get adequate good quality childcare for their children. This is not a woman's issue, it is a society issue. Does american society value even access to health care for all children? Hardly. The author did a great job pointing out the winner-takes-all mentality and where it leads. Buy the book to read this part, it is worth it.

- How European women stop the madness: have no more children than they can afford, in terms of money, time, or other resources. After that, have their governments pay them to have more, by providing those missing resources. This is why you see French women having at least three children each, whereas in most of the continent they have one or at most two. The French government wants more French people, not Arabs, living in France, so they support middle-class motherhood very generously. In the US it is not unusual for an educated woman to have three or four children, without any support from anywhere, govenrment or grandparents (the de rigueur child-care for a lot of non-French Europe). Well, if so many women make such choices, how are governments supposed to take the hint and change policies? In my book, this is "Perfect Madness". Unless US government officials are really alarmed by declining birth rates among the educated, they will do absolutely nothing. All is well, according to numbers. She did not explore why birth rates among american educated women are still so high. This would be more interesting than what madness happens after they have all these children. But in a sense, american women will have their cake and eat it too when they retire, because there will be enough young people around to pay for their social security. In contrast, Europe is a demographic time-bomb, and whatever maternity supports you see coming out of government policy there are based on this, and the fear of losing our culture and identity due to immigration. Not something to be proud of.

- She could have left out all the chapters about academic feminism and women's studies. Whatever I have seen coming out of there is so irrelevant, that I admit skimming through the chapter. Are there any women's studies in European universities? I doubt there is even enough interest. If you want to stop the madness, don't pay for your daughters to go into women's studies. Send them to become engineers for god's sake.

- She explained the abortion rights issue and how it has hijacked other women's issues in this country. Could not agree more with her. I am actually not sure how women do not make a big deal of this in Europe, where in very many countries abortions are illegal. Societies there are more "live and let live", less likely to interfere in private choices of their neighbors. It is too impolite to even bring up the subject there. Maybe this is why there was more space in public discourse about work and access to childcare.

In Summary: Please don't whine. Make better childbearing and career choices. We reap what we sow. It is not an ideal world after all.

This book does cover a lot of interesting ideas on parenting, although I got a little bored with reading it. I have read over 1/2 of the book and am not totally into it. I am skimming it right now. Being a SAHM to 3 1/2 yr old twins, I do relate on some levels, but don't believe it all. In my opinion, this is not a page-turner book as I wished it would have been.

I borrowed this book from a fellow "mommy" and am so happy I didn't buy it, as the book is unreadable. Its nearly impossible to believe that the Ms Warner makes her living as an writer, as the book is repetitive, rambling and nearly totally without focus. Apparently, every mother in America is miserable (someone forget to send the memo to the moms I know). Ms. Warner does bring up one or two good points--good daycare and medical care is far too difficult to find and the demands of high-paying,high-status jobs often are incompatible with family life, she fails to develop them, posit any solutions, or even present the issues in an organized manner.