My wife loved this. She found it inspiring. I hated it, I found it profoundly unhelpful.

It is typical of most parenting literature in that 1) it tells you that you are doing it wrong. and 2) there is no 2.

The author is all negative. Don't focus on getting good behavior through rewareds or punishment just use love and understanding. Ok, what should I do when, say the toddler stomps on the cat just to see what happens?

STOMP!! MEOOWER! "OK, honey baby, that makes the cat sad, so please don't do it."
STOMP!! MEOOWER! "Hey kiddie widdlie, when you kick the cat upside the head, it hurts her, and she doesn't like that, so she would prefer it if you stopped that."
STOMP!! MEOOWER! OK, screw Alfie. Back to reality, kid. You are getting a time out!

He has nothing to say about real world parenting challenges, spending the entire book burning straw men. He would rather criticize the (no doubt fictional) parent who supposedly chastised their child for enjoying a day at the park, than tell real parents how to cope with real challenges.

I was compelled to write a review for the first time on Amazon after being so shocked to see the negative reviews for this marvelous book. Alphie Kohn is the first (that I know of) to put not only himself as a parent but also the whole body of parenting advice literature in a critical light. His own humble advice is simple and logical but, at the same time, nothing less than earth-shattering. It puts the whole concept of parenting under the microscope and makes us ask ourselves whether our ideas are ethical, or even practical. I have now seen my children blossom under the respect I have been able to give them after reading this book without fear of losing my "authority." I found that my children are even more able to show me the respect I need as a mother and a person, when they are being respected themselves. This means taking their needs and feelings seriously, as seriously as we take our friend's or spouse's needs. What a simple concept, but oh so threatening to most of us who are deeply afraid of those shopping-mall tantrums and bad reports from teachers. It takes a lot of courage for parents to shut out the rest of the world, with its judgements and expectations, and relate directly with the small, but equally valuable, person that is our child. What scares so many parents is the idea of losing control, and this fear comes through in negative reviews. What a sad reflection on us as "big people" and as a civilized society, where everyone, except of course the young, have equal rights for respect, dignity and freedom.

It is more important to understand children who stand on their legs than adults who stand on their brains, especially on their left brains. A 5-year old grandchild, given the opportunity, knows better (not better, as in a comparison, but better in knowing the world as it is at any given moment) than those who take such a narrow view of the thinking inside the covers of this book. Any grandparent who pays attention knows (not as in logical argument) that. That's all.

This book really made me think about why I "do what I do" and "say what I say" to my child. I didn't agree with all the concepts but it did make me question my actions and make me respond more lovingly to my child.

I continue to be amazed by the assertions made by Alfie Kohn with regards to parenting, competition, and schooling, (but not amazed in a good way). Again and again and again we are told by Kohn that "rewards" are harmful. As I have mentioned in another amazon review of his book Punished By Rewards, the use of rewards is only "harmful" under very contrived and unnatural circumstances (and by harmful, he means that using rewards will decrease "intrinsic" motivation to do something and that the person on the receiving end of the reward may "feel bribed").

Unlike Kohn's assertions, however, rewards can in fact help each of us live more satisfying and productive lives when used effectively. There is an exhaustive review of the research literature regarding the use of rewards that backs up this last statement. The book is called Rewards and Intrinsic Motivation: Resolving the Controversy and it is authored by Cameron and Pierce. Unlike Kohn, these authors review for the readers ALL the relevant research studies on the issue of using rewards, not just those that support a personal thesis. Unfortunately, this is the danger with non-peer reviewed books of the popular type Kohn writes: the author can pick and choose which studies to present to make a point without paying any attention to those that contradict that point (and there are MANY that contradict Kohn's assertions--see the Cameron and Pierce book above). While case studies about his own children may convince certain readers of the usefulness of Kohn's approach, I await peer-reviewed evidence. The shelves of bookstores are already awash with enough pseudoscience about what makes children tick; Kohn's book just adds to the puddle.

I gave this book 2 stars because I do agree with Kohn's goals about parenting. Reading the book will certainly support my view that they are noble aims. Given the lack of research support, however, Kohn does not have much of a leg to stand on as to how to best achieve those aims. I would like to suggest that other readers take a look at The Power of Positive Parenting by Latham for a set of parenting techniques that have a great deal of research backing their use.

We owe it to our children to parent them effectively.