Raising Adopted Children, Revised Edition: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent, by Lois Ruskai Melina from Parent Kid Books.com

"Some people may describe adoption as difficult; others simply describe it as different. I am inclined to think of it as complex," writes Lois Ruskai Melina in the updated, revised Raising Adopted Children: Practical, Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent.

Adoption practices have evolved considerably since this book's first publication in 1986, and the new version of the "Dr. Spock for adoptive parents" reflects the latest theories. Drawing on the findings and practices of pediatricians, social workers, scientists, and adoptive parents, Raising Adopted Children is carefully and thoroughly researched. Chapters on open adoption, international adoption, and transracial adoption are combined with advice on bonding and attachment, breast-feeding an adoptive infant (possible but complicated), dealing with schools, privacy issues, adopting a child with disabilities, adopting as a single parent, and the challenges of adolescence. While Melina's many years of professional and personal experience shape her advice, she remains very evenhanded. For example, she's a strong proponent of the "early telling" theory of adoption (being open about the adoption with the child from the beginning), but she also clearly presents other points of view, and, throughout the book, encourages parents to make decisions that feel right for them.

The text includes specific suggestions for explaining a child's birth circumstances, including common misconceptions, and a valuable discussion about whether adoptees are at greater risk for behavior problems or learning disabilities. She also provides suggestions for setting rules for contact with biological parents, easing grief, and acknowledging a child's history. A completely annotated list of selected references and resources rounds out this superior guide. --Ericka Lutz

Reviews:

Informational, Yet Flawed

I agree with the two reviwers who said that this book assumes that all people who adopt are unable to conceive, and that the book is overly "PC". In regards to infertility, the book really does heap it on about how people who can't conceive need to grieve, and may think that they won't be able to love another's child, and so on. We're not infertile, but I would be just as offended if I were. Infertility and adoption do not always go hand in hand, and I think that Melina forgets that.
I also found the writing to be hyperbolic, as in "You MUST" do this, or, my favorite "All adoptive parents" fear that their children will love their birthparents more than the adoptive parents. Use of such imperatives, "All," "must," "will," instead of more realistic words like "Many," "should/need," and "might," makes the text sound like a user's manual for computer applications.
That negative said, the book itself does contain a lot of useful information, which I haven't seen in any of my previous adoption-related readings. I would absolutely recommend it to people who are going through the adoption process. I think there are better books for people who are wondering whether or not to adopt (such as "Is Adoption for You?"), but that this book directly addresses the fears and questions for people who are about to become adoptive parents.

The number one book to get!

We are in the process of getting our home study done thru Lutheran Social Services and this is one of the "required reading" books. It is far better than any book I've purchased on adoption on my own. It takes you through every scenario. It's realistic and practical. It's also easy to read.

Disappointing.

Like the other posters, I too was given this book as part of our homestudy for adopting a child from China. After reading the first chapter I found myself insulted. This book assumes all who read it are adopting because they cannot get pregnant, which is not my case. While infertility is something that should not be ignored, and I appreciate the fact that most adoption books I read address the matter, this book would have been much more respectable if it did not direct its text to the reader as a person who cannot conceive. I was so insulted that I returned the book to my social worker with these concerns.

Helpful

My husband and I found this book invaluable in raising our son. There is so much information that you need to know: from dealing with varied emotions to working with your child's teachers and peers and helping them relate to the world. Should definitely be a required book for all parents of adopted children.

Excellent and should be required for prospective adoptives

So many adoptive parents lose sight of the fact that adoption exists to provide loving homes for children, NOT to provide them, an infertile couple, with a child. Even the happiest adopted child, in the very best of circumstances, will have certain issues throughout their life and their parents should be prepared to deal with these and answer questions. For far too long adoption has been a secretive practice and everyone has assumed that the process itself ended when the court papers were signed. It's a lifetime adjustment and education like this will help ease the concerns of all three members of the adoption triad - birthparents, adoptives, and adoptees. How I wish my adoptive parents had had something like this to read. They did so many insensitive things that were so hurtful. Should be required reading for everyone planning to adopt.

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Raising Adopted Children, Revised Edition: Practical Reassuring Advice for Every Adoptive Parent

Lois Ruskai Melina

Collins, 1998-08-01

Price: $13.95

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